May Cause Miracles : Week 4

Week 4 was a lot of work. The focus was relationships, and how we get tripped-up in them. I discovered that I have been tripped-up in many ego-based relationship nightmares for a lot of my life. So needless to say it was a hard week for me personally because I had to come face to face with a lot of fear that has surrounded many of my relationships. Whether it be past boyfriends, friendships that didn't last, work colleagues, my husband, my family, or my friends, my ego has driven me to some pretty "crazy" behaviours. I briefly described the personality traits that surface from the ego in my reflection post from week 3, and those were key this week in unravelling my fears in the relationships in my life. I identified with 2 of the traits:

1. The Daily Victim-where we hold on to resentments and past hurt and are unforgiving. Replaying things in our mind over and over and feeding into the ego's vicious cycle which strengthens our perceptions of being the victim.

2. The Angry Boxer-putting on the gloves when we feel attacked and attacking right back. Having defensive thoughts creates even more negativity.

These two traits have come up in each and every one of my relationships at some point or another. 

Here is how a typical argument would go with my husband up until about 3 months ago:

Mike: Can you please ________________(he would ask me to pick up after myself, clean the dishes that were in the sink, tidy up the house a little, fold laundry I had left in a basket for a week, take the dog for a walk, etc.)

Me: *Boxing gloves on* Fly off the handle and go into how I'm the only one that cleans the house, I have to do everything, I walk the dog every morning already, I'm sick of it!

Mike: All I asked you was to do this one thing because it has been left for some time now, and I'm going to be __________(walking the dog, cleaning up something in the garage, basically helping out in some other way). 

Me: You're always nagging me, you act like I don't do anything, you think I'm lazy.

Mike: I never said that. This is why I don't tell you how I'm feeling ever, because you freak out and get defensive when all I'm doing is telling you what is bothering me.

Then we would do the silent treatment thing for a day or two (or three), and finally I would apologize for freaking out. 

I'm actually embarrassed as I'm typing this, because I have learned so much about myself in the last 3 months or so, and especially this past week. One of the most influential things has been to see how I have been reacting in the relationships I have. Playing the victim, and being ready to attack were obviously not working for me. Something had to change. About the middle of April, Mike and I had the most serious and deep conversation I believe we have ever had in all the 6.5 years we have been together. That conversation has completely changed our lives. It was communication at it's finest, and we have been able to grow from it so much. We have not had another useless argument since then, and we are completely on the same page. It has made all the difference in my life, and it has brought a big smile to my heart. 

In the beginning of this chapter, Gabrielle talks about another important affirmation from "a Course In Miracles" which is "I'd rather be happy than right". Boy oh boy did that one hit home for me. All of a sudden certain things that I had focused on so heavily in a relationship didn't really seem worth my happiness. I had often focused on being right, being the victim, getting defensive. And where did that get me? Unhappy, anxious, sad, upset, and hurt. None of these ever led to happiness. 

Playing the victim, and being angry have really negatively affected some of my friendships (and now former friendships). I was really looking forward to getting to the bottom of these feelings, and learning how to release them over the course of the coming week. 

Day 22 Affirmation

This evening's exercise was a powerful one. Writing out a list in tonight's reflection of the ways I:
1. Judged people 2. Attacked people 3. Make others special 4. Make myself more special than others and 5. Compared myself to others throughout my day was a huge eye opener. Simply writing these thoughts or actions out on paper was making me uneasy, because I was feeling some shame in the things I had thought. I was embarrassed at some of the things I would think or say about others. I started to feel guilty. So the exercise for the following day was necessary in helping me start a new beginning in how I think and treat others. And the exercise and affirmation from day 26 taught me to forgive myself for having these thoughts, and showed me how to see love and peace instead of negativity.

Another way that my false perceptions of others, and what others think and feel comes through is in social media. I have a love/hate relationship with social media. I am finding too often these days that my ego will run wild with perceptions that others have of me, or that I have of others based on things I see on Facebook or Instagram. I have decided to make a conscious effort not to check my social media as much during the day, and not to focus on what others are posting as much.

Day 23 Affirmation

Today we had to do the same exercise as the evening before, but then we had to respond to the answers by saying out loud "I am willing to see love instead of this". I can make a choice to see love instead of fear, and not to let my ego take over in those moments. After this exercise, I did find myself not really paying attention to people in the same way I used to. Not to mean they are less important, but before if i saw a woman on the street dressed differently I may have made a judgemental comment (or had a thought) about her. Now I just noticed her, but didn't think that judgemental thought. It obviously still happens, but I definitely notice that it's not as often, or not as harsh.



Day 24 Affirmation

Today I wanted show kindness to those around me. Because I work in a customer service environment, I am constantly in contact with people. I tried not to be "fake" nice like I sometimes am when I'm feeling annoyed, aggravated, or just having a bad day but still need to put on a happy face at work. Instead I engaged in conversation with my customers a little more.
The evening exercise today was to make a list of all the ways I had been unkind this week, and then describe how it feels to be unkind. I then had to forgive myself for my unkind thoughts and actions. 


Day 25 Affirmation

What a powerful affirmation. Today I really focused on looking at every encounter and every thought that came to mind as a "holy assignment". Even the unkind, judging, attacking thoughts are there to help me learn something and be able to move into a more loving place. For instance, when I started to judge in my thoughts, I would take a step back and say "wait a minute here, why I am thinking this?". The simple act of recognizing my ego coming forth led me to a more loving place, where I can then notice that my thought was not real. 




My horoscope on Day 25 really hit home. There has always been fear of the unknown for me. I am now starting to face that fear head on and just go with the flow. There are lots of things going on in my life right now that I'm unsure of, and that has to be ok, because in the end I know each situation is an opportunity to learn and grow, and the outcomes will put me in the place I am supposed to be.

Day 26 Affirmation

Today's focus was on forgiveness, and how it can offer up a clean slate for all new relationships to being with the perception of oneness and love. Forgiveness in my relationships has been my biggest struggle over the years, and only now after going through this work, and having read "Spirit Junkie" am I realizing that there is a lot of forgiving to be done of others and especially of myself in order to move forward. It has been a struggle for me, I'm not going to lie. A few times a week, or in times where I feel I really need it, I will turn to the forgiveness meditation from "Spirit Junkie". Afterwards, I usually ing write in my journal. I always feel as though I've let go a little more each meditation

Day 27 Affirmation

This evening, I had to meditate on the relationships in my life. I was to list in my mind all the relationships in my life that cause me pain. After the mediation, I wrote the names of these people in my journal and then said out loud "_________(person's name) is my greatest assignment. This holy encounter offers me a chance to release fear and strengthen my faith in love. I choose to see them with love". I found this exercise to be painful, in that I had to recount some icky feelings I had about how some of my relationships had ended. It's not easy to make these lists on this journey. We are constantly listing ways in which the ego has taken over our thoughts, and there is sometimes a lot of shame and embarrassment that comes a long with that. I find myself often thinking that I wish I knew then what I know now, because situations would have gone a lot differently. But part of this practice is learning that the past has all happened to bring me to this moment, the moment where I have chosen to see love instead of fear, and to move forward in a better place. 

One major thing I learned about myself this week in terms of relationships is that I may expect too much from people, and I expect myself to give too much to others. I used to spend more money than I had in order to show someone (in gifts) that I really appreciate and cherish them. I would bend over backwards for some of the people in my life, in order to make sure that they can see that I care about them, and maybe care about them more than someone else. I was doing these things more for my ego, than out of love. Showing others "love" with things, or with my sometimes overbearing "help" was my ego's way of proving to others that I was more important than others in their life. This expectation based on my ego's perceptions, caused a lot of disappointments in many of my relationships. Because I had given so much of myself to someone, I expected that in return. When I didn't get back what I thought I deserved, I would attack or judge that person that they were not being a good friend, or that they were not worthy of my friendship. On the other hand, it also made me feel unimportant to them. I would get a high from seeing people receive my special little gifts or my time or help. It would make me feel important, that I was needed, and that I was close with them. In the end all of these things just feed into a vicious cycle of fear. I have now realized that material things, or going above and beyond, are not what really makes me feel loved or shows my love for others. This realization has made a huge difference in my relationships now. I try to focus more on positive support when those around me need it, and showing others love brings more love into my life.

Next week, our focus will be on finances, and how our ego has created money fear in our lives. This is going to be a very important week for me because second to relationships, I think this is the other area in my life that really needs some love instead of fear. In this chapter, Gabrielle goes over how the ego blocks abundance in our lives in many ways. Here is a quick recap of those blocks:
1. The ego has a lack mentality
2. The ego believes that passion has no purpose when it comes to making money
3. The ego has a get mentality rather than a give mentality
4. The ego creates addictive patterns around money
5. The ego emphasizes the external power of money
6. The ego uses money to deepen your belief in separation
7. The ego is uncreative when it comes to money
8. There's never enough for the ego

So this coming week I the goal will be to start unlearning the ego's relationship to money. I am very curious to see how that is going to look. As I browse the list of ways the ego blocks abundance, I can see that I have learned all of these things in one way or another.

Onto week 5, Namaste!