CIBC Run For The Cure

Last year, Mike and I participated in the CIBC Run for the Cure as part of team "Mable's Milkshakes". Our good friend's mother has kicked breast cancer's a** twice now (amazing I know!), and he wanted to put together a team in her honour. She is famous for her milkshakes, so after the race we headed over to his place where his mom made us tasty milkshakes to cool off.
I had never participated in a 5km race before, and it was one of my goals for 2012, so it was a perfect way to reach that goal, because I felt as though it was for a good cause as well.
I also ran for my manager's wife Connie, who had been battling breast and then liver cancer for the better part of two years at the time. Unfortunately, Connie passed away on Easter of this year at the age of 42. She was such a generous woman, always doing things for others before herself. Her two boys were her whole life, and it has been a difficult transition for her family without her there.
This year, when our friend posted the event and team info on Facebook, I knew I would be participating again. Not only is it for a good cause, but I had a lot of fun last year, and it was so inspiring. Being a part of such a huge fundraising event, and being surrounded by other people who have been affected by breast cancer or who have survived it themselves really gives you a feeling of togetherness. It is one of those rare times in today's society where everyone is coming together. EVERYONE has been affected by cancer in one way or another. People are motivating each other to keep running,  and there are groups of people with signs cheering you on along the way.

The race takes place October 6th, and I've got some training to do to meet my race goal this year, which is to run to the 3km mark without stopping. Last year I made it to 2km, then had to walk for a few minutes each km after that. Running is my most hated type of cardio, so I'm really pushing myself to make it to 3km this year. 
You can find out more about the cause and races across the country at their website CIBC Run for the Cure.

If you would like to support myself, our team, and the cause, you can donate HERE. ANY amount is greatly appreciated!

Mable's Milkshakes 2012 Team

Expectation Backfire

 

 

I HAD to write about one of my recent horoscopes. The words were just jumping off the page at me screaming "listen up!". 

Recently, hubby and I had a serious conversation about how I've been feeling completely overwhelmed in life and he pretty much said these exact words to me. Sometime during everyday, we talk about our plans for that evening, the following day, or the next few days, so that we can plan out who is at home with the dog and what things we need to accomplish around the house. My daily list always goes something like:

-wake up early and hit the gym for an hour

-walk the dog

-make dinner

-dog training

-yoga (home practice) or gym class for an hour

-organize something, get something done around the house, run an errand, catch up on emails/banking/etc.

-make Mike's lunch

-read before bed

-bed by 10pm

The problem with this list is that a)getting out of bed at 4:45am to make it to the gym by 5am after not getting proper sleep the night before is impossible, and b)there are only about 4.5 hours after work by the time I get home before I go to bed. Dinner takes up at least an hour of that to prepare and cook, then we need to eat, and then clean up the kitchen. This brings us to about 7pm. If we are training the dog for 30 mins that night and have to drive 20 mins each way to the trainer's house, another hour is gone. Now it's after 8pm. Nowhere in my day have I just sat down and relaxed yet. So yoga or evening exercise may get thrown out the window. Maybe we'll watch a little tv instead to unwind. So by the time I go to bed, I may have already failed at crossing half the things off my daily list.

In walk those loser friends I have- disappointment, failure, anxiety, stress, and depression. All of these things lead to loss of energy, problems sleeping, lack of motivation, and loss of self-esteem.

I feel that I am either completed motivated, or not motivated at all and doing nothing. There is no in between with me, it's black and white. From the beginning of my personal revolution and clean eating journey until after my wedding I was SO motivated. I was eating clean at least 85% of the time, I was exercising (gym/yoga) 4-6 times a week, I was blogging consistently, I would take the dog on longer walks and hike more often, and I just had more energy. Now I find myself making excuses for why I am not doing these things.

I strongly believe that a large part of this "rut" stems from unhappiness in the workplace. I have wanted to change jobs for some time now (more than a year), and I am now getting serious about doing so. I am keeping my options open and working to get myself into a better position career wise.

 

Another issue I struggle with is not feeling as though I have enough in life (clothes, money, the house I want, etc). I read a great article the other day on Mind Body Green that suggested 5 simple tips to be happy when you don't have everything you want. You can read it here. Changing the mindset from quantity to quality is something I used struggle with a lot. But over the last year or two I have really simplified my life and I stopped wanting more than I need. I really liked the idea of having potlucks with friends, cleaning out my closet, and setting a non-possession-related goal. I think far too often we get caught up in the materialistic side of this life, rather than the simplistic things or connections with those around us. Having a weekly or monthly potluck with friends is a great way to have a "night out" without breaking the bank, plus you strengthen your friendships, and have a chance to catch up with one another. I've needed to REALLY clean out my closet for ages. My excuse is always that I won't have clothes to replace the ones I'm getting rid of. Needless to say I've been wearing some of the same threads for 6+ years! I have clothes I've worn once, clothes that don't fit me anymore, and clothes that I would never wear again. Time to simplify!

 

I think one of the most important things I have done in the past few months is write out a vision of what my future looks like in a few years. A friend and yogi suggested I do this to become clear about my vision for myself. Writing it out and really thinking about it was very helpful. This has set out a crystal clear path for me and what I want to accomplish in my personal and professional life. I strongly suggest that everyone take the time to write out their vision, or make a vision board of what their life looks like in a few years. Then manifest those things to happen! This has also helped me see just how many goals I set for myself, and that maybe I put too much pressure on myself to reach those goals quickly. Instead, I need to step back and really work out all the steps it will take me to reach that goal, and set a more realistic timeline for myself.

 

Prioritizing my daily/weekly/monthly/yearly tasks is going to be the biggest adjustment I can make. If I don't feel like I'm putting so much pressure on myself, I'll be able to really slow down, complete one task at a time, and actually enjoy the process.

 

Here's to slowing down, simplifying, and prioritizing (no pressure)!

 

May Cause Miracles : Week 6

 Week 6 is the final week of this miraculous journey! I can't believe the book is already finished. I'm going to miss the daily affirmations, and plan on searching for my own affirmations everyday, even if it comes from within.
The focus of this final week is on working miracles. We do this by practicing the act of choosing love over fear when our ego tries to take a hold of us. All of the little shifts that have happened to me over the course of this journey have taught me many ways that I can choose love over fear. For me, it all goes back to that first week, where I first learned how to approach the negativity of my ego:
1. Witness the fear
2. Be willing to change
3. Choose a new perspective
4. Gratitude is the attitude
5. Learning how to forgive
6. Expect miracles
These 6 simple exercises have really opened me up to choosing love. But it's not just about learning how to let go of that negativity to become happy, it's about personal growth on an everyday basis that leads to a shift in the world. It's about how my decision to choose love affects those around me, and so on and so forth. How powerful is that?! Think of it as a "pay it forward" of love. This act of choosing love becomes easier the more people choose it, and also allows them to understand how their choices have an effect on the bigger picture. The choice I make to see fear as a spiritual assignment, that it has been brought to my attention so that I can learn from it, is a miracle in itself. Learning not to judge my past, but to see it as a learning curve to get me to where I am today is a miracle. Gabrielle Bernstein says that "We have a choice to bring more love to the world, or pollute it with more fear", and to ask yourself "What am I choosing to bring to the world?". 

An addition to my meditation nook-A giant pink lotus from a close friend's baby shower :)



Day 36 Affirmation

This evening we had a loving-kindness meditation in which you envision a light coming from within you and extending out to the world around you. I found this to be a stress reliever in a way because even when your life is difficult, and you know the lives of others in the world have been a struggle, shining your light  to everyone and everything just feels good. It makes you feel those warm and fuzzies inside, even though you aren't focusing on one specific thing. 

Today I also journaled about how I had caught my ego in the act of trying to make me jealous over a situation. In the past, I would have dug deeper to get more information, I would have gossipped perhaps, or my mind would have been flooded with false perceptions. But this time, I was able to let it go, and use it as an assignment to show myself how my ego would have taken over in the past, and how long that negativity would have lasted. I quickly forgave myself. This has become part of my daily practice.

Day 37 Affirmation

Today I received a text message from one of my best friends about a great upcoming career opportunity. Although the odds may be stacked against me on this one, the fact that she thought of me, and then offered to help me streamline my resume felt like a little miracle. I feel that the love I am sending out to those in my life is starting to come back to me in little ways here and there. The Universe is doing it's thing and I have trust that everything will work itself out for me in a short period of time if I continue to have faith and send out love. Whether I am successful in having my resume picked out of thousands or not, the opportunity is there so I'm going to go for it. I feel like this is one of those signs that Gabrielle Bernstein was always talking about in her book Spirit Junkie. It's a nudge for me to change it up a little, maybe go into a career that is more up my alley, and not simply a deposit in my bank account every week. 

This evening's exercise was to make a list of all the fears that are currently troubling me. My list was 15 fears deep! While some were small annoyances, others were more meaningful and have maybe been troubling me for some time. At the end of the list, we were to recite this prayer:

Inner Guide, I turn my fears over to you. I know that I have a greater purpose than to dwell in fear. Please take this from me now.

Letting my inner guide take over hasn't been an easy task for me. Letting go hasn't been an easy task for me...ever really. But even as I read through this list again as I'm writing this reflection, I can see that I have already resolved or let go of some of these troubling fears. It is so refreshing to get to see the work I've been doing right in front of me. Reading through this list of 15 fears, and realizing that it is now a list of 6 or 7 is so encouraging. My work is paying off, I am learning to let go, I am learning to let my inner guide take over. I am learning to forgive.

Day 38 Affirmation

This evening, Mike and I had a nice romantic dinner with candles and wine. I hadn't had a drop of alcohol since our honeymoon almost 7 months prior. I had been pretty strict with alcohol since February of 2012 when I started my clean eating and personal revolution journeys. I hadn't really had the urge to drink it, nor the want to party, and I even associated  drinking with a lifestyle that wasn't me anymore. Little did I know I had been far too hard on myself. It is one thing to choose not to drink for lifestyle purposes, or if I had an addiction once, but it is completely another not to drink because I was trying to prove something to myself or to others. Although I have enjoyed cutting alcohol out of my life, a switch just clicked in my head that said "I would like to have a nice glass of wine and relax", so that's what I did. No guilt, no regrets. It doesn't really seem like a big deal, but when you have put so much pressure on yourself to eat clean, and refrain from alcohol, when you do you feel as though you have failed yourself.I have decided that I'm going to do what feels right in the moment, indulge in treats and a drink when I feel like it, and just know that dropping the pressure I have placed on myself will allow me to have more fun. 

The exercise for this evening was to do something kind for someone else. My first act of kindness was having a lovely dinner with my husband. Although I cook for him most nights, it was a little more special, and a way to show him how much I appreciate him. The second act of kindness I did this evening was to give a friend a call (yes on the phone, not text or facebook or email) to catch up and give her the link to a website she may enjoy. Needless to say she was surprised by my call and automatically assumed I was calling for a certain reason ;), but we had a laugh about that and then had a nice chat. 
The second part of the evening exercise was to recite a really nice prayer followed by a service meditation. I didn't really connect with the prayer, the meditation was more my style. 

Day 39 Affirmation

This evening's exercise was to write a letter of gratitude to someone. The idea was not to actual give that person the letter unless you wanted to, so I just wrote mine in my journal for now. Writing out all the things I wanted to thank this person for just reminds me how important it is to share your feelings with those you love. You never know how long or short your life will be, and it is so important to tell those close to you that you love and cherish them. Writing out this letter allowed me to express these feelings of gratitude, and also realize that I should allow them to read it, or rewrite it and give it to them. It made me think of my aunt, whose 2 year anniversary of passing was approaching. I wish I had written her a letter like this before she passed to tell her how much she had helped me over the years, and how I really did think of her as my second mom. In my heart I know that she knew these things, but I'm sure it would have been nice to hear them or read them in a letter. I've decided to write a letter of gratitude at least once a month to someone who has impacted my life. 


Day 40 Affirmation

Today's evening exercise may have been one that will stick with me the most afterwards. The exercise was to write a letter of forgiveness to someone that you have resentment towards. I was waiting for this exercise, it's as though all of the work I had done on this journey led me to this place. A place where I am truly ready to forgive not only others, but myself. You see I am a Scorpio to the core. I can hold a grudge like nobody's business, I can be emotional, my words can be very hurtful in the heat of the moment. I've got that stinger that comes out from time to time. But I'm also sensitive, and don't enjoy confrontation or conflict with anyone. As I said before, letting go has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. Writing this letter was a means to an end for someone I had been carrying around with me for far too long. Just the simple act of writing it lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I didn't give the letter to the people I had written it to, but I felt that it was the start of true forgiveness mostly of myself in these situations. 

Day 41 Affirmation

I really thought about my affirmation today. Am I reaching my full potential in helpfulness? Am I trying to help others or only myself? The exercise this evening was to bring more fun into your life. When you bring fun  into your life, it transfers into everything you do and thus makes you of higher service to the world. In our journals we were to answer the following questions:

1. The Self Lover: In what ways can I have more fun on my own and in everyday life?

2. The Miracle of the Body: How can I enjoy the process of physical activity? What innovative and challenging workouts can I try? How can I enjoy the process of eating healthful foods?

3. Holy Relationships: How can I bring more fun into my relationships? What thoughts, conversations, and activities can I incorporate into all my relationships?

4. The Miracle of Abundance: How can I bring more fun into my career or place of work? How can I have fun while I'm creating abundance?

5. The Miracle Worker of the World: How can I bring more fun to the world?

Answering these questions was a lot of fun in itself, and I got some great ideas. Some of the recurring ideas were not to take myself so seriously, not to take what others say so personally, let loose once in awhile, spend more quality time with my friends, try some cool new activities (like stand up paddle boarding and more crossfit and rock climbing), and to be silly. 

Day 42 Celebration Dinner!

I cannot believe that 42 days has passed since I committed to this amazing experience. The final day of this journey was to celebrate all of my hard work! Mike and I made a great dinner together to cap off a great Sunday together. We spent some time with friends over the weekend, we had a lot of fun together, and this dinner was the perfect way to cap off a great couple of days. 

Clean Eating Chicken Lettuce Wraps

Lettuce wraps seem to be all the rage these days. I see them more and more on restaurant menus, so I thought I would try them out myself.
Although Mike looked at his plate, picked up the giant leaf of lettuce and pretended to nibble on it like a rabbit, I know he enjoyed them as much as I did.
They're a light alternative to tacos that you can dress up however you like with your favourite toppings.

I'm loving Taco Tuesdays again!

Ingredients:
-1 lb ground chicken (or turkey)
-1 head of Boston leaf lettuce
-veggies: I used shredded carrot, chopped celery, and sauteed mushrooms
-shredded cheese
-medium onion chopped
-2 tbsp chili powder
-1 tbsp cumin
-ground pepper
-1 tbsp garlic powder
-1 tsp cayenne pepper (optional)


1. Brown ground chicken in a pot. Add spices.
2. Add in onions and continue cooking until they are translucent.
3. Tear away whole leaves of lettuce and wash.
4. Use the lettuce leaf like a wrap and fill with chicken, veggies and any other toppings you desire.

Enjoy!







All ready to go!



-



The finished product



May Cause Miracles : Week 5

Week 5 is all about raising your self-worth, to raise your net worth. There is a quote from week 5 I really like: "If you dwell within abundance, you will have abundance"-Marianne Williamson. The chapter explains that we all have different relationships with money, and that this relationship starts at a young age. My relationship with money was probably first formed at the age of 4. This is the age that my parents separated, and my dad moved my brother and I 5 hours away from our hometown of Toronto to live in Ottawa and start over. Being a single parent was very difficult for my dad. We lived in subsidized housing (from ages 4-16). I didn't know what that was at the time, and always thought we just lived in a normal townhouse. We always had food on the table, and clothes on our backs, but there was definitely a sense of lack when it came to seeing what my school friends had. I never had the name brand clothes, never had the Fruit Roll Ups in my lunch, and didn't go on family vacations that required going on a plane. There were times in the winters when we would all sleep in one room to save money on the electric heating bill (which was ridiculously high to heat all the rooms in the house). Christmas morning didn't come with a ton of presents to open, but rather one or two large presents for my brother to share, and one or two smaller presents for ourselves. I was never unhappy about these things growing up, but I definitely noticed a difference between what I had and what others had. Whenever we went to visit our mom, we were spoiled with junk food, a swimming pool, shopping, and a trip to Disney World. At 16, I decided to move to my mom's and started working shortly after, so I was able to start buying my own things. I have ALWAYS looked for sales, and tend to shy away from the name brand stores. I definitely wasn't one of those girls in middle school that had the Club Monaco or Gap sweaters that were oh so popular. This trend has carried over into my adult life, and I still find it very difficult to purchase "expensive" clothes (which sucks because I get buyers remorse after going into Lululemon for my favourite yoga gear).

I got my first credit card at 18, and this started negative relationship with debt. I leased my first car with a $5000 down payment in 2006, and I JUST paid it off last month finally. I have borrowed money from my parents to make ends meet a few times. I still struggle with debt, but I am learning more and more about budgeting every year, and now the small amount of debt I have bothers me.

I do not remember a time in my life where I have felt that I've had enough money, or that my finances were in check.

It always comes back to the ego, and how the ego has forced you to associate money with fear. Here are the tricks the ego has to block abundance:

• The ego has a lack mentality-I will never have enough, I'll never afford it.
• The ego believes that passion has no purpose when it comes to making money-We can't have it both ways when it comes to earning. Passion is for hobbies.
• The ego has a get mentality rather than a give mentality-We need to get more to be happy.
• The ego creates addictive patterns around money-debt
• The ego emphasizes the external power of money-Money replaces love, and therefore there is a constant feeling of needing more to feel complete.
• The ego uses money to deepen your belief in separation-Money is a status symbol that makes the wealthy people happy and emphasizes the importance of external power.
• The ego is uncreative when it comes to money-Causes us to focus on manipulative action to get more. 
• There's never enough for the ego-It always needs more. 

I have unfortunately been under the ego's spell when it comes to each one of these tricks. I have been so focused on money over the past 10 years, that I have forgotten about fun and passion. 

Day 29 Affirmation

Today we had to ing write for 10 minutes about our financial fears and where they came from. My fear of lack comes from my childhood, and growing up in a single parent family. Not having enough money, scrounging to make ends meet, being in debt, not having the life I see for myself, these are all part of a lack mentality. This has carried into my adult life, and there is a lot of comparison with what my peers have, and what I am lacking compared to them. Envy, jealousy, anxiety, and fear all come to mind when I think about what I'm lacking financially compared to others. 

"So and so has such a nice house" "She can always go shopping" "They are always going on vacation" "Their clothes are nicer than mine" "They don't have any debt" "They don't have any bills to pay" "They don't have to worry about money"

All of these thoughts and more come to mind when I compare my financial situation to those of my friends and family. And sometimes I even go into attack mode and put them down because I don't have what they have. I think things like "Oh well that person still lives at home and doesn't have the amount of bills we do, their parents still pay for a lot of things". 

The fear that I will never have enough, and will always have to struggle to get anywhere in life. The fear that one day I will not be able to provide the kind of life I want to for my future children. The fear that I will never be able to have a career that I'm passionate about AND pays well. 

I would probably be the poster child for lack mentality if there was one. After reading the description of lack mentality, a lot of unhappiness surrounding finances in my life made sense. 

Day 30 Affirmation

Today there was a list of questions we were to answer in our journal:

• In what ways do I believe in lack?
• Do I not believe I can make money doing what I love?
• In what ways do I express a get mentality rather than a give mentality?
• Am I addicted to the high that money brings? How does that addiction show up in my life?
• Have I placed external power onto money? In what ways?
• How have my thoughts and actions reinforced my experience of lack?

Pretty much all of my answers fell under all of the ego's tricks. They were all negative, focusing on what I didn't have rather than abundance. The biggest eye opener for me was how much external power I place on money. If I look at all the rest of my answers they are negative because money is always at the top of the chain, and I'm at the bottom. People that have more seem more important than me, more established, and happier. 

Day 31 Affirmation

Yesterday, a friend and I had been texting back and forth about how our financial situations weren't the greatest right now and that we had a lot of fear of not being able to provide enough money for all of the expenses ahead. At one point, we both touched on how we felt as though we weren't contributing as much as our spouses, and that in turn made us feel useless as part of the "team". I suddenly remembered a comment a former employer had made (who has been married for 30+ years, and has built a successful business) while discussing marriage and finances. He said "Just because you don't make the same paycheck as your partner, doesn't mean you don't work as hard. You take care of your husband and your home on a day to day basis, and on top of that you also work and bring home a paycheck. Don't ever feel less valuable because of the numbers. There is huge value in taking care of others and a home-it's hard work, it takes time and energy just like any job". It's so true. I was focusing so hard on the lack of money, on the numbers I was bringing to the table compared to my husband. I was failing to see that we both work an 8 hour day, although our paychecks are different, we are putting in the same effort everyday. On top of my full time job, I take care of most of the household duties such as cooking, cleaning and laundry (hubby does help with some things). I then worked out how many hours a week I spend on the household chores, which is approximately 15 hours. That's like a part time job!

So after having that conversation with my friend, waking up to see today's affirmation I really felt a connection to it's words.

The evening exercise today was a mediation to help deepen the energetic shift around finances. I am going to post it here because I found it extremely helpful to me, and it is a meditation I will continue to use as I work to change my relationship with money.

• Sit comfortably in your meditation space.
• Place your palms facing upwards and take a deep breath in through your nose and exhale through your mouth.
• Think your way into a scenario where you're faced with financial fear.
• Allow all your emotions to come forward. Do not deny your feelings in any way.
• Breathe deeply into the space in your body where you feel discomfort.
• Be present in the experience of discomfort.
• As you soften into the experience of your fear gently say to yourself, There is another way to perceive this.
• Breathe in: I choose to perceive abundance instead of this.
• Breathe out: I release my fear of finances.
• Breathe in: I welcome a new perspective.
• Breathe out: In this moment I welcome release.

Sit in stillness for 5 minutes and allow your inner guide to come forward. Let the voice of love enter into your mind and lead you to new creative images

p.188-189 May Cause Miracles-Gabrielle Bernstein

My horoscope on Day 31. I have been longing for a career and job change for some time now. I think I've been waiting for something to just fall into my lap rather than working towards finding a new path for myself. I was waiting for someone else to be a contact for me at their company, and get me in, rather than looking or networking myself. This horoscope really lit a fire under my a**!

Day 32 Affirmation

Today in evening reflection we were to make a list of all of the things we have that we are grateful for. Here are a few things from my list (not in any particular order):

• Owning a house/my house
• Food
• Having a job
• The cottage
• My phone
• My computer
• My bed
• My car
• My journal
• My meditation nook
• My husband
• My pup
• My parents/in-laws (all 6 of them!)
• My health
• My yoga practice
• Power Yoga Canada
• Time
• My clothes
• My wedding day
• My travels
• New friends

The purpose of this exercise was to bring to light the abundance in our lives, and it did just that. I am so grateful for each and every thing on the list I made, and I'm glad it's in my journal so that I can refer to it when I'm sensing a lot of lack in my life. Each of these things has brought some love to my life, even my phone and computer! 

Day 33 Affirmation

This evening's exercise was another list of questions to answer:
1. Identify whom you need to forgive when it comes to your finances.
2. Be conscious of your part in the situation.
3. Become willing to let go of the resentment and invite your inner guide to show you what to do. 
After answering there was a little prayer:
"Inner guide, I welcome you in to guide my forgiveness process. I recognize that these resentments no longer serve me and I'm ready to clear all that blocks my abundance. I surrender this relationship to you and I welcome your guidance. Show me the path to forgive".

Day 34 Affirmation

Sundays, which have now become my "reflection day" of the week, are a day I really look forward to. This weekend we were at the cottage for my good friend's baby shower, so I was without a cell phone or internet all weekend, and it felt GREAT! Although I couldn't post my Day 34 affirmation until Day 35, it didn't really matter to me because I had my sticky note with me as well as my journal and was able to look at it when I felt I needed to. On our way home, we always turn our phones back on and get bombarded with emails, updates, text messages, and voicemail. Yesterday was no exception, and as soon as I turned mine back on I had a voicemail. Little did I know that voicemail would bring a HUGE smile to my heart (and my face). One of our dearest friends called and left a message to say she's been thinking of me, she loves me, she thinks of me every day, and she would love to see us soon. It's little messages like this that let me know that I have chosen the right spiritual path and people in my life, and good things are coming my way.

Week 6, the final week of this journey, focuses on working miracles. The exercises in the coming week are there to help us realize our potential as miracle workers, and will lay the groundwork to get us there. Here are the 4 steps to follow in order to learn to follow your true calling: 
1. Your purpose is to heal your mind.
2. Continuously witness and surrender the fear that blocks your purpose.
3. Listen to your ing and trust in the path.
4. Choose love and know you're changing the pattern of the world. 
I keep these steps in mind and welcome week 6 with open arms!

May Cause Miracles : Week 4

Week 4 was a lot of work. The focus was relationships, and how we get tripped-up in them. I discovered that I have been tripped-up in many ego-based relationship nightmares for a lot of my life. So needless to say it was a hard week for me personally because I had to come face to face with a lot of fear that has surrounded many of my relationships. Whether it be past boyfriends, friendships that didn't last, work colleagues, my husband, my family, or my friends, my ego has driven me to some pretty "crazy" behaviours. I briefly described the personality traits that surface from the ego in my reflection post from week 3, and those were key this week in unravelling my fears in the relationships in my life. I identified with 2 of the traits:

1. The Daily Victim-where we hold on to resentments and past hurt and are unforgiving. Replaying things in our mind over and over and feeding into the ego's vicious cycle which strengthens our perceptions of being the victim.

2. The Angry Boxer-putting on the gloves when we feel attacked and attacking right back. Having defensive thoughts creates even more negativity.

These two traits have come up in each and every one of my relationships at some point or another. 

Here is how a typical argument would go with my husband up until about 3 months ago:

Mike: Can you please ________________(he would ask me to pick up after myself, clean the dishes that were in the sink, tidy up the house a little, fold laundry I had left in a basket for a week, take the dog for a walk, etc.)

Me: *Boxing gloves on* Fly off the handle and go into how I'm the only one that cleans the house, I have to do everything, I walk the dog every morning already, I'm sick of it!

Mike: All I asked you was to do this one thing because it has been left for some time now, and I'm going to be __________(walking the dog, cleaning up something in the garage, basically helping out in some other way). 

Me: You're always nagging me, you act like I don't do anything, you think I'm lazy.

Mike: I never said that. This is why I don't tell you how I'm feeling ever, because you freak out and get defensive when all I'm doing is telling you what is bothering me.

Then we would do the silent treatment thing for a day or two (or three), and finally I would apologize for freaking out. 

I'm actually embarrassed as I'm typing this, because I have learned so much about myself in the last 3 months or so, and especially this past week. One of the most influential things has been to see how I have been reacting in the relationships I have. Playing the victim, and being ready to attack were obviously not working for me. Something had to change. About the middle of April, Mike and I had the most serious and deep conversation I believe we have ever had in all the 6.5 years we have been together. That conversation has completely changed our lives. It was communication at it's finest, and we have been able to grow from it so much. We have not had another useless argument since then, and we are completely on the same page. It has made all the difference in my life, and it has brought a big smile to my heart. 

In the beginning of this chapter, Gabrielle talks about another important affirmation from "a Course In Miracles" which is "I'd rather be happy than right". Boy oh boy did that one hit home for me. All of a sudden certain things that I had focused on so heavily in a relationship didn't really seem worth my happiness. I had often focused on being right, being the victim, getting defensive. And where did that get me? Unhappy, anxious, sad, upset, and hurt. None of these ever led to happiness. 

Playing the victim, and being angry have really negatively affected some of my friendships (and now former friendships). I was really looking forward to getting to the bottom of these feelings, and learning how to release them over the course of the coming week. 

Day 22 Affirmation

This evening's exercise was a powerful one. Writing out a list in tonight's reflection of the ways I:
1. Judged people 2. Attacked people 3. Make others special 4. Make myself more special than others and 5. Compared myself to others throughout my day was a huge eye opener. Simply writing these thoughts or actions out on paper was making me uneasy, because I was feeling some shame in the things I had thought. I was embarrassed at some of the things I would think or say about others. I started to feel guilty. So the exercise for the following day was necessary in helping me start a new beginning in how I think and treat others. And the exercise and affirmation from day 26 taught me to forgive myself for having these thoughts, and showed me how to see love and peace instead of negativity.

Another way that my false perceptions of others, and what others think and feel comes through is in social media. I have a love/hate relationship with social media. I am finding too often these days that my ego will run wild with perceptions that others have of me, or that I have of others based on things I see on Facebook or Instagram. I have decided to make a conscious effort not to check my social media as much during the day, and not to focus on what others are posting as much.

Day 23 Affirmation

Today we had to do the same exercise as the evening before, but then we had to respond to the answers by saying out loud "I am willing to see love instead of this". I can make a choice to see love instead of fear, and not to let my ego take over in those moments. After this exercise, I did find myself not really paying attention to people in the same way I used to. Not to mean they are less important, but before if i saw a woman on the street dressed differently I may have made a judgemental comment (or had a thought) about her. Now I just noticed her, but didn't think that judgemental thought. It obviously still happens, but I definitely notice that it's not as often, or not as harsh.



Day 24 Affirmation

Today I wanted show kindness to those around me. Because I work in a customer service environment, I am constantly in contact with people. I tried not to be "fake" nice like I sometimes am when I'm feeling annoyed, aggravated, or just having a bad day but still need to put on a happy face at work. Instead I engaged in conversation with my customers a little more.
The evening exercise today was to make a list of all the ways I had been unkind this week, and then describe how it feels to be unkind. I then had to forgive myself for my unkind thoughts and actions. 


Day 25 Affirmation

What a powerful affirmation. Today I really focused on looking at every encounter and every thought that came to mind as a "holy assignment". Even the unkind, judging, attacking thoughts are there to help me learn something and be able to move into a more loving place. For instance, when I started to judge in my thoughts, I would take a step back and say "wait a minute here, why I am thinking this?". The simple act of recognizing my ego coming forth led me to a more loving place, where I can then notice that my thought was not real. 




My horoscope on Day 25 really hit home. There has always been fear of the unknown for me. I am now starting to face that fear head on and just go with the flow. There are lots of things going on in my life right now that I'm unsure of, and that has to be ok, because in the end I know each situation is an opportunity to learn and grow, and the outcomes will put me in the place I am supposed to be.

Day 26 Affirmation

Today's focus was on forgiveness, and how it can offer up a clean slate for all new relationships to being with the perception of oneness and love. Forgiveness in my relationships has been my biggest struggle over the years, and only now after going through this work, and having read "Spirit Junkie" am I realizing that there is a lot of forgiving to be done of others and especially of myself in order to move forward. It has been a struggle for me, I'm not going to lie. A few times a week, or in times where I feel I really need it, I will turn to the forgiveness meditation from "Spirit Junkie". Afterwards, I usually ing write in my journal. I always feel as though I've let go a little more each meditation

Day 27 Affirmation

This evening, I had to meditate on the relationships in my life. I was to list in my mind all the relationships in my life that cause me pain. After the mediation, I wrote the names of these people in my journal and then said out loud "_________(person's name) is my greatest assignment. This holy encounter offers me a chance to release fear and strengthen my faith in love. I choose to see them with love". I found this exercise to be painful, in that I had to recount some icky feelings I had about how some of my relationships had ended. It's not easy to make these lists on this journey. We are constantly listing ways in which the ego has taken over our thoughts, and there is sometimes a lot of shame and embarrassment that comes a long with that. I find myself often thinking that I wish I knew then what I know now, because situations would have gone a lot differently. But part of this practice is learning that the past has all happened to bring me to this moment, the moment where I have chosen to see love instead of fear, and to move forward in a better place. 

One major thing I learned about myself this week in terms of relationships is that I may expect too much from people, and I expect myself to give too much to others. I used to spend more money than I had in order to show someone (in gifts) that I really appreciate and cherish them. I would bend over backwards for some of the people in my life, in order to make sure that they can see that I care about them, and maybe care about them more than someone else. I was doing these things more for my ego, than out of love. Showing others "love" with things, or with my sometimes overbearing "help" was my ego's way of proving to others that I was more important than others in their life. This expectation based on my ego's perceptions, caused a lot of disappointments in many of my relationships. Because I had given so much of myself to someone, I expected that in return. When I didn't get back what I thought I deserved, I would attack or judge that person that they were not being a good friend, or that they were not worthy of my friendship. On the other hand, it also made me feel unimportant to them. I would get a high from seeing people receive my special little gifts or my time or help. It would make me feel important, that I was needed, and that I was close with them. In the end all of these things just feed into a vicious cycle of fear. I have now realized that material things, or going above and beyond, are not what really makes me feel loved or shows my love for others. This realization has made a huge difference in my relationships now. I try to focus more on positive support when those around me need it, and showing others love brings more love into my life.

Next week, our focus will be on finances, and how our ego has created money fear in our lives. This is going to be a very important week for me because second to relationships, I think this is the other area in my life that really needs some love instead of fear. In this chapter, Gabrielle goes over how the ego blocks abundance in our lives in many ways. Here is a quick recap of those blocks:
1. The ego has a lack mentality
2. The ego believes that passion has no purpose when it comes to making money
3. The ego has a get mentality rather than a give mentality
4. The ego creates addictive patterns around money
5. The ego emphasizes the external power of money
6. The ego uses money to deepen your belief in separation
7. The ego is uncreative when it comes to money
8. There's never enough for the ego

So this coming week I the goal will be to start unlearning the ego's relationship to money. I am very curious to see how that is going to look. As I browse the list of ways the ego blocks abundance, I can see that I have learned all of these things in one way or another.

Onto week 5, Namaste!

Clean Eating Chicken Strips and Kale Chips

This was an easy take on a family favourite. I don't know anyone who doesn't enjoy chicken strips. I actually had an unhealthy love for them for a good few years and that is all I would order when we ate out. Those ones were fried and covered in sauce though, with a side of fries.

Ingredients:

-skinless, boneless chicken breast sliced into 1/2-1 inch strips

-egg white (# of egg whites depends on how much chicken. I used 1 egg white for 2 chicken breasts)

-whole wheat bread crumbs

-1 tbsp Italian seasoning

-1 tbsp fresh grated Parmesan cheese

-1 bunch kale, loosely tear into pieces and remove stems

-1 tbsp e.v.o.o.

-1 tsp sea salt

-juice of 1/4 lemon

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Combine bread crumbs, Italian seasoning, and Parmesan cheese in a Ziploc freezer bag.

3. Dip chicken strips in egg white, and then toss them in the bread crumb mixture until evenly coated.

4. Place coated strips on a parchment lined baking sheet, and bake for 20-30 minutes turning half way through.

5. In a bowl, mix olive oil, salt, lemon juice, and kale together with your hands.

6. Bake on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper for 15-20 mins or until crispy, turning once.

The strips came out crispy and flavourful, and the kale chips were a great substitute for fries with a little salt and crunch.

I dipped my strips in some raw honey and they were delicious!